I am broken with disregard and I have unselfishly given off pieces of myself in surrender. I am, without question, just another part of a whole, a stray puzzle piece, a shard of broken glass. 

And I am happy. I am everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I live on because I am carried in lives that are not my own. I am a piece to someone’s whole. 

I am, just like all the others, am made up of different pieces of different people. Millions of shards on my own skin, flowing through my own veins. I am that. I am many, yet I am one.　

orly-peach:

It is when I’m happy that I’m at the peak of my unhappiness. Discontent and stifled, I wait for something to go wrong. When I grasp the thing that I had always wanted, I find myself wishing for it to slip away. Happiness frightens me. I had been taught how to be miserable, angry and upset but, as I grew, I found that nobody had taught me how to be happy.

I wanted to be something special but I am just a complicated mess of things. I am not myself, therefore I cannot be yours.

I cannot be anyone’s. 

Maybe, just maybe…it is because there is a sun even in the winter time when I am with you- and the birds are still chirping and the butterflies are still fluttering and the flowers are still pollinating and there is that sense of belonging in the air. 

Or maybe it is that sweet smell of hot coffee and the grogginess on our bodies, but not so much our lives, because our lives are fast paced but somehow time no longer exists when I am with you. Maybe because there is hope that lingers on my body from your arms that hold me too close and pull me in too tight, but I don’t mind it so much, because maybe you just make me feel a bit too safe. 

Or maybe it is because I can wake up in the morning and not have to worry about what day it is, because the day simply does not matter when there are promises of you.

Would it be too much to ask permission to be able to hold you close? I just want to be where you are. Let’s forget about time while holding on to moments because those moments are the moments of the minutes that makes those moments happen. 

Let me share a secret or two with you. Let me blindly share all my secrets with you and when it’s all said and done, I want to open my eyes and still see you standing there. I want to hold your hand. I want to feel your heart beat beat beat against my back as we spoon and make out its messages through Morse code. Lets push the insecurities aside and let ourselves be completely vulnerable as we sleep together. I want to see myself through your eyes and wonder what’s on your mind because in mine it’s always been you.

I just want you next to me - right now, today, tomorrow, this morning’s last night, and tomorrow’s tomorrow.

I’m not sure why this scares me so much or why I’m trying so hard to run away from it. Why do I constantly pull away from the things that can actually be good for me? Too often I turn away and never appreciate what I have, always fearing the worst. It never changes. I never change. 

It always feels the same: losing myself, being too scared, running away. I complain and say that people never stay when I’m the one who always leaves.

They say that bad habits are hard to break, but I’m already broken so it’s time for a change.

I guess maybe I’m just tired of sitting idly by waiting for something to change. Maybe I’m waiting to live out the rest of my life. Maybe I’m just done with everything here.

Maybe I’m not.

I didn’t know that waiting and doing nothing could be so tiring. I’m too restless to sleep but too tired to do anything else. 

How did I become like this?

Sigh.

Why did you fight for it then? Why did you work so hard to try create something so beautiful when you were only going to obliterate it in the end? Why did you stand so faithful, so proud against the naysayers if you were just going to give it up? 

Was it not worth it? Were the fights and arguments and heartaches not worth it? Were the “i-love-yous, we-can-do-this, please-just-trust-in-us” just not enough?

How can something so “magical” in the beginning transform into such…monstrosity? What do we do when the butterflies in our stomach turn into bees that prick us, sting us, scar us, then .. die inside of us?

How do you cope with not a broken heart, ..but an exhausted soul and a numbed mind?

How can you just let everything go?

It really bothers me when those of the opposite sex talk to me just to try and “get at me.” The conversations are great and the friendship is blooming but it ends when they realize that I don’t want to meet them halfway.

I don’t want to be your girlfriend and if you’re going to end a friendship because you realize that I have nothing to offer you then I’m sorry for your loss. I swear to you that I can be a great friend, but I don’t want to be anything more. 

I don’t really know a lot of things, but there is one thing that I’m 100% certain of..

I know that no matter how hard I try.. I’ll just keep running around in circles. Nothing is going to change. It will always be like this. 

I don’t know how I feel about that.

In the cold winter days, the sun sets too fast, the days end too early, and the nights get too cold. Yet there is that spark- a light that gleams in a lover’s eyes that makes any season, weather, or day endurable.

Tell me, how does one feel alive without the touch of hope, without the spark that sets aflame a heart? Or more so how does a heart pound without reason?

That word. It was a never a reason for me, merely a passing of time. Maybe a bit of jumbled confusion or thinking it was something way more than it was. It was a heart’s hope but reality’s truth. It was a mislead judgement, but never the reason. Maybe it will never be. In my mind there was no such thing. Said it before in false promise. Never truly wrapped myself around the constitution of togetherness - the promise of facing the world with someone by my side.

I don’t want to be like that anymore.

Tell me, can it really endure all? Is it really enough? What have I been doing wrong for so long? How many times do I have to try until I get it right?

I just want this one to work out. My heart is fleeting, yet it wants to stay.

Sometimes I find myself getting lost in another world that isn’t mine. I know that for the most part, I’m not the only one.

I like the escape. Sometimes I lose myself in virtual worlds through video games or chapters in a book or different television shows. Inevitably though, I have to return back to this mundane world. I think maybe that’s what interests me and so many other people: trying to find their way or be a part of a world that isn’t theirs.

Maybe it’s not even about escaping reality.

Maybe it’s the stories that aren’t ours or the adventures that we can never have. Maybe it’s the emotions that we consume from video games or books or television programs that touches us and makes us feel as if it’s a part of us.

Maybe it’s not really wanting what we necessarily can’t have, but more of opening our eyes to what could be possible - but isn’t.

I can’t stand how fast time is flying by. The deadline for college apps just ended. That’s it. Now we’re just all playing the waiting game. I can just imagine the next two terms, filled with rejection and acceptance letters. The seniors will be buzzing by the time third term ends. Then all the senior events are going to happen. So expensive too.

Sidenote: Sometimes I stare at the unfamiliar faces at my school and realize that I am probably older than the majority of people who surround me. Then I realize that high school allowed me four years to get to know six different classes: 09, 10, 11, (12)!, 13, 14. 15.

Then graduation will happen and life goes on and people forget and no one really cares about what happened around this time anyway.

What a bittersweet feeling.

theseniorlife:

Bittersweet